The Gluten Monster

Yesterday was one of those days. In the whole scheme of things I guess it wasn't too bad, but it was still one of those days.

M was in his Destructo Baby mode, but the funny thing is that he doesn't realize he's destroying everything. He thinks he's helping. He thought he'd help me by cleaning my bathroom while I was getting the Bigs started on their schoolwork. Granted, the bathroom could use a good cleaning but his disinfectant of choice happened to be a new tube of toothpaste opened just 11 hours earlier. He ran past me toward his room as I was helping N with his vocabulary words and I caught a whiff of toothpaste. I knew immediately where to go since he was with me when I opened the tube 11 hours earlier.

I guess he heard the panic in my voice as I headed to the back of the house and he followed, albeit at a good distance. I find an empty tube of toothpaste on the blue sparkly counter. The counter sits atop blue sparkly cabinets, in front of which are blue sparkly floor tiles. Nearby are a blue sparkly toilet, a blue sparkly shower, and a blue sparkly bathtub. Honestly I don't know how he had enough time to do it all. I'm beginning to think he has a twin but my family didn't want to send me over the edge so I only see one at a time.

He's hiding in the doorway, with his arms and legs a very unnatural blue sparkly color. UGH! As I evaluate the best way to tackle this cleanup I notice sitting very inconspicuously in the midst of it all is the toilet brush. Double Ugh! I see a subtle swirly pattern in the toothpaste layer on pretty much everything. I ask anyway, though I already know the answer.

"Mommy, I wanted to help you clean the bathroom. I scrubbed it in for you. Are you happy?"

Heck no, I'm not at all happy. He knew it before he asked, but I didn't say anything. I changed my thoughts on cleaning up from one of wiping to one of hot water and bleach. Really hot water. Lots of bleach. I started with cleaning him up, sans bleach. Then sent him off to play. Big Mistake.

A new school year = new school supplies, which include Elmer's school glue. M always calls it gluten since we, for obvious reasons, don't let him have any of it, either. While I'm cleaning and the Bigs are doing their schoolwork, he's quietly painting himself with school glue. I turn around to get more cleaning cloths and see him walking stiff-legged with arms outstretched moaning in typical monster fashion. "I'm the Gluten Monster and I'm after youuuuuu!"

The thin coat of glue has now dried and it's peeling off of his arms, legs, face, and hair. What a sight! J and N clean up the glue he's spread around and I finish the bathroom. We sat him at his kid table to color with strict instructions about not getting up.

Sitting there, he manages to take a scribbled on coloring sheet and stick it to the wall next to his chair. "Look Mommy, I made a sign for you. What does it say?"

It clearly says for me not to have any more kids.